Frankly Speaking

No questions today.  In honor of the Royal Baby here are my 3 most favorite baby memes.  A meme is a funny picture with a caption when in combination make me chuckle.  Let's get started:

The eyes make this one great!

Beans loves this one!

Lol

Go find your favorite beverage and celebrate the happy news about the Royal Baby!

Frankly Speaking

Dear Frank, writes Elliot the Labrador Retriever, it seems like you live such a lavish and extravagant life! I'd love to hear what a typical day is like for you!

Dear Elliot,
First let me thank you for the insightful question.  I take pride in my daily routine where I seek to challenge myself through physical exercise and strenuous brain exercises to make keep me in tip-top shape.

Also, my day includes some bullying of Bean's to enable my plan's to take over the world (or at least our neighborhood).  I start by waking Bean's up 5 minutes before my parent's alarm goes off and he start barking.  His reward is my help on his medium difficulty Sudoku puzzles (more on that later).

My method of exercise is Yoga specifically the Adho mukha śvānāsana (downward dog).  It's a bit hard to do in my cage - much easier in the kitchen.  Here is a friend of mine showing you how its done.

#getloose

OK, onto the strenuous brain exercises.  The key to being smart is wearing glasses so first I put my glasses on (like my friend below).  Next, I start by doing an easy-difficulty sudoku puzzle then a jigsaw puzzle; when I am feeling really loosened up I coach Bean's through a Sudoku (medium-difficulty).  The problem is that he doesn't know what comes after 7 so he never get's very far.

#librarianstyle

Lastly, Beans and I discuss taking over the world (Pinky and the Brain style).  NARF!  Anyways, I have been working to escape the kitchen lately so the next step is getting Bean's out!  It's important to have an accomplice to you can pin it all on them!  Just kidding Bean's has lot's of great ideas!  

 Pinky and the Brain Intro Song

Oh and lots of sleeping occurs as well!

Frankly Speaking

Dear Frank, writes Sparky the Wonder Dog, I have a lot of weddings to attend this year.  Can you provide some advice on finding the perfect wedding gift?

Dear Sparky!  This one is a question for the ages!  I've got plenty off ideas - keep in mind that my gifts lean to the creative side as none of my readers have yet to put money in the mail and send cash my way. Fortunately I have started an Ebay auction where the highest bidder gets to pick my middle name- thats worth at least $27.57!

Ok, let's get started.

1.  Give gifts that you like (in case the bride and groom aren't interested - they might give them back).  Ok, I know this sounds vain but hear me out!  The last thing you want the newlyweds doing with their time is making multiple trips back to Bed, Bath and Beyond doing exchanges on gifts they don't like when they could just regift them back to you.  I recommend giving large dog bones - it's the gift that keeps giving!

Go ahead splurge and get the big one - it's a better value!

2.  Gift the gift of special treatment.

After the stressful prep required to plan a wedding, try giving a trip to the salon or spa.  Heck-the best kind of treatment is one of those new trends were they can make you look like your favorite celebrity.

Mind on money and money on my mind!

3.  If all else fails - give homemade money (it's more meaningful because it's DIY, thanks Pinterest).

With all of the concerns over the international banking system, real money is on its way out and making room for new currencies like BitCoin and ChuckECheese Tickets.  I can tell you personally that I get my money from the Frank Bank of America.  All you have to do it get onto the nearest computer and print some bills.  The worse my day, the more I print then I roll around in it!

Email me compliments and I will send over the PDF so you can have some 'Franks' too!

Good luck Sparky!  Now go practice your moves for the dance floor at these weddings!

Frankly Speaking

Brinkley the dog writes: Dear Frank, I heard you’ve had a few successful escapes from the kitchen. I, too, amsubjected to the kitchen during the day and am not happy about it. Could you offer some ideas and advice for how I can break out? 

Dear Brinkley - That's a great question I'm glad you asked.  I've got a few tips - let's get started.

1.  Plan your escape route and exercise self control.

I have been watching this show called Prison Break on Netflix that has taught me everything I know. I've learned that it's really important to scout out your route without anyone noticing or hearing anything.  Also, use self control - just because you CAN escape doesn't mean you should - wait for the right time.  Practice self control with food.

#lifeishard

2.  Play Dead.

If you are really quiet or play dead then they may forget to put you in the kitchen, then you don't have to worry about escaping!  Here is how to do it - compliments of Bean's.

#possumstyle

3.  Have friends on the Outside

Once you are out you are going to need friends to help you vanish and start your new life or at least let you hang out for awhile.  This guy Edward Snowden knows a thing or two about it - his face is everywhere but no one can find him then he turns up in Russia.  I need to figure out what leaker; means - it would probably help increase my page views!

nuff said! lol.

Good luck Brinkley - if all else fails and you get caught - stand still and don't move - they can't see you if you don't move!

Frankly Speaking

I have a huge backlog of questions from you all but they will have to wait till next week.  This week I've got something very important to discuss - take a deep breadth - I need your full attention.  Today I would like to talk about balanced living.

I recently found a curious looking receipt from a local watering hole.  Whomever visiting this place wasn't there for water from the Spring - as they purchased a great number of something called Hudepohl. 

#besthappyhourever

After a quick google search I discovered the Hudepohl (also called Hudy by West Siders) is one of the worlds greatest tasting beers, a tremendous value and was the favorite drink of Benjamin Franklin or maybe it was another Ben - eh whatever.  Anyway, with taste this good you're going to need to do something to offset the carbs - in other words balance out the Hudy's.

Let's stat with some light exercise moves.  Take it from my furry friend in this video - exercise is more fun with you dog involved!

If that's not enough excitement for you then you can take it to the next level with some Prancercise.  Trust me Prancercise is just like Pringle's - once you pop you can't stop!  Here you go - this is a classic!  I love here enthusiasm for life - after doing some Prancercise you can have all the Hudy you want!

Now let's stop talking and do some walking!

Frankly Speaking

Quattro from Detroit writes in this week:  "Dear Frank, I saw Kim Kardashian just had her baby.  I'm curious if you have any recommendations for trashy reality TV's shows."

Let me be clear - the only thing worth watching on Kim's show is Bruce Jenner - that man is an American Hero - he does have a gold medal and was a spokesman for Wheaties - what a guy!

OK, he doesn't quite look like the box - like me he 'had some work done'.

Anyway, while Kanye is tied up taking care of his new baby I wanted to take the opportunity to share with you some of my other favorite rappers since Kanye will be out of the game for awhile.  

Ok you all may remember the enigmatic DMX from the late 90's.  Beans and I really like his music because he is always talking about his dogs and barking - thanks for the shout out!  He likes pitbulls though so be careful - those guys are a bit scary for a little guy like me!  Note: this song is edited as the DMX does have a bit of a potty mouth.

I also really like Snoop Dogg.  I heard he changed his name to Snoop Lion which I'm not crazy about - given my aversion to cats (big or small) but I'm willing to overlook it so long as he keeps coming out with great tunes like this one.  Sometimes he even has songs with a guy named Nate Dogg (RIP).

To answer your question Quattro, I only watch Jerry Spring (watch local aka he is more Cincinnati than Hudy Delight).  Also, his Closing Thoughts are always very relevant to my life..Hopefully he decides to run for Mayor in 2014 as he is a Pro at solving complicated issues in 60 minutes or less.

Take Care of Yourself and Each Other!

Frankly Speaking

This week I got a note from my neighbor from around the way.  Bootsie the Dachshund from my hood writes in "Dear Frank - you might remember me when you were on a walk the other day.  I was the dachshund in the window in the corner house barking affectionately as you and Bean's strutted by.  There are a lot of dogs walking their owner but none quite like you - any advice for a successful dog walk?".

Dear Bootsie - love the name - reminds me of a friend of mine; legend of funk, Bootsy Collins.  A local favorite!

Bean's love's his Big YELLOW coat and sheriff star on the hat. #winning

I digress - ok so yes - successful walks.  There isn't enough time to write all of my secrets but you can catch them all in Chapter 3 of my forthcoming book: 7 Habit's of Highly Effective Canines (published by Random Dog House; pre-order on Amazon soon).

Lesson 1 - Don't step on the cracks.  People joke about not stepping on cracks because it breaks peoples backs or something.  This is a real public health issue with dachshunds - you could blow out a paw (or step on a pop top and have to cruise on back home!).  

Lesson 2 - Eat before you go - or at least keep your eyes out for scraps left behind.  Once I found a bag of hamburger buns - you should have seen my dad try to pry them out of my mouth.  And they said dogs should eat dog food - after people food?

Seriously - get me a cheeseburger!

Lesson 3 - Pick a leader for the walk.  I've spoken with Bean's before about the pack mentality.  Every pack needs a leader and followers.  Walks can get tense if you are trying to be the pack leader if I am involved.  Ask my owners - I lead them & Bean's!  Note: Leading also means you can spot food scraps first and maybe even get ahold of them!

See you out there on the streets Bootsie - make us Doxie's proud!

Frankly Speaking

I got a lot of car related email this week.  I think it's partly due to my GREAT SUCCESS on our trip out of town and a recent video I saw about a dog learning to drive a MINI Cooper!  More on the driving dog a minute!

In honor of last month's National Click-It or Ticket month - I would like to discuss seatbelt safety or more importantly how to properly chauffeur; I mean transport; your favorite furry friend (cats don't count - they aren't much for roadtripping it - and make quite boring company unless they are willing to be chased!).

Ok without further ado - enjoy a dog driving a MINI Cooper (ok its the jumbo MINI but who is keeping track)?

Note: Porter's attention to detail when making that turn!  Also, note his proper wearing of a seatbelt.  Imagine your shock when you have had one too many and you call for a cab and Porter is driving - BOOM - look who was paying attention!

OK, everyone knows you should wear a seatbelt and belt your pooch in so lets get to a more important topic: comfort and style.  I don't go anywhere in a car unless it has leather seats and is WASHED.  After all, you only get ONE chance to make a first impression at the dog park.  Take a look at the custom faux pleather leatherette I got installed in my ride by a guy I met walking around the neighborhood.

#ballinoutofcontrol

#driveslowsotheycanseeyou

#germancargermandogs

#F&BridinDIRTY

#boycottrealleathercowshavefeelingstoo

#6spdDoxie

Speaking of making an entrance (re: importance of first impressions).  You would probably also be wise to install gullwing doors on your ride so you can pull right up to the valet in your big giant coat and step out LIKE A BOSS.  Let me illustrate:

Get out there a be somebody!  

Frankly Speaking

This week I got a question from Gismo the rat terrier.  Gismo asks "Frank, you seem to be quite the social animal; I need some advice on how to make more friends - human or dog.  I've been trying to get to know my human neighbor when he is in the backyard but every-time I bark at him I get sprayed with the garden hose!  Frank, please teach me your ways!"

Dear Soaked Pooch,
Thanks for reaching out for help.  I saw this movie once where this critter named Gismo had some issues when exposed to water - and my goodness don't eat after midnight!  See below for the results!  Hope that doesn't happen to you!

Anyway, friendships are based on trust and mutual admiration.  Let's start with the trust part first.  The best way to quickly build trust is by doing a trust fall exercise exercise.  You may remember this from the movie Mean Girls or experienced this when pledging a fraternity as I did.  The idea is that you fall uninhibited and you trust your new friend(s) catch you.  I don't recommend searching YouTube for Trust Fall Fail Videos - that would poke holes in my advice.

Come on - we will catch you ;).

Lastly, let's address mutual admiration.  Admiration comes in many forms - taking an interest in your friends hobbies, interests or selfless acts to benefit another.  My advice is to assist your new friends with their personal hygiene.  Telling you friend when he has spinach stuck in his teeth or heck even getting a 'bit more involved' will certainly bolster your new friendship - check out the video below of my buddy Milo and his feline friend!

Get out there and be somebody!

Frankly Speaking

This week I have to get serious for a minute.  There is a topic close to my heart that I need to address - but before I start I need your undivided attention.

Of the many life skills one must learn - one rises above all the others.  No, I don't mean looking both directions or candy from strangers.  When you are hungry like me you accept any free food especially candy - the calories don't count if it makes you happy - just look at Beans... he loves eating weeds from the backyard and still keeps his Air Bud figure.

Anyways, I'm getting off topic - throwing successful cookouts are a skill one must have in order to get to the front of the pack (hehe it's funny cuz it's got a double meaning).  There are 3 variables one must PWN in order to have a cookout your guests will tell all of their friends at the local dog park about.

1.  Music - Don't be cheap and play the radio - go to the library and borrow some tunes.  It's not piracy because you aren't ripping them and returning them like some people I know.

Make sure you setup a playlist with fun songs that make folks want to kick back with their favorite bowl of water and squeaky toy.  Here is my fav. song of the moment. By those cool dudes you all know: Blurred Lines: Robin Thicke, Pharrel and T.I.

PS: Did you know Robin Thicke's dad is Alan Thicke?  Yeh it was news to me too! 

2.  Food - Make sure you bring food that I - I mean er um the guests would like.  I prefer foods that don't  include the words Hot Dog or Sausage - both used to describe Dachshunds they aren't exactly flattering.  If you forget that's fine - I get first dibs!

You get the idea!  It's funny cuz it's a double meaning!

3.  Games - Don't forget it's all about your guests - you need to have something fun for them to do.  Like cornhole or tossing my favorite toy until I get tired.  My record for fetch or what I like to call a "A Game of Wits" is 61 returns.  Beat that Lassie - only thing that has me beat is this little guy from across the pond!

Yes we can be taught - looks like we don't need humans after all!

In summary - its all about your guests and making sure they have a good time (ha yeh right).  Get out there and celebrate Memorial Day in style with these timeless tips!

Frankly Speaking

Quattro from the dirty-D writes to me this week with a very important question:  "Dear Frank, my buddies and I were having a debate and need some resolution.  We can't seem agree on the best animal-themed movie ever made - please help!"

First things first - GO TIGERS!!  Ok - now that we got that out of the way...phew.  Ok here we go - animal-themed movies.

#3 Lady and The Tramp
This is an emotional one to discuss - after all, my girlfriend is no longer, so I am accepting applications for a new girlfriend to share spaghetti with (and any food - I'm really not picky)! Anyway - everyone knows the famous kiss scene - plus this is one of the first animated movies that made it big.  Classic boy meets girl flick.

#2 Finding Nemo
All great stories have adventures.  Finding Nemo spans great lengths in its story - and Nemo has a funny little fin that he learns to overcome (spoiler alert!).  Nemo also meets some pretty cool turtles along the way!

Lastly, and coming in first is Homeward Bound!  If you haven't seen this one its a can't miss film. I'm not much of a fan of Sassy the cat, however Chance and Shadow are pretty awesome.  This movie reminds me of the adventures we go on in the backyard sans mountain ranges and cougars.

Go check these out and let me know what you think!  Beans approved this message - we screened all of these films to ensure no dogs were harmed during their filming!

Also, don't forget to submit your dog eyebrow challenge photos to my humans! I don't want to be the only dog on this blog with a poorly made unibrow!

Frankly Speaking

invested in Dachshund currency

This week I got a question from my distant friend Sparky the Wonder Dog.  Sparky writes "Dear Frank, I've followed much of your advice to the chagrin poker pals (yes dogs do actually play poker).  I've recently picked up a big giant coat, got kitten massages, chilled with some presidential pets and invested in Dachshund currency.

The last effort has been very fruitful - in fact I amassed a large sum of money.  I've found a brilliant way to increase the amount of Dachshund money.  Did you know that if you take money to Kinko's your can make copies of it?  I might try applying for a intern position at Stan Chesley's law office since he needs new ways to make money - oops too soon??

Anyway, I have money to burn and need your advice on what kind of car to buy to support my newly lavish lifestyle."

First, you need to find a car with a good place for you to to sit.

Thanks Pinterest!

Second, you need proper driving glasses.  Any human glasses will do!  After all you need to look human if you get pulled over!

Lastly, you a need a really sweet car so all the ladies at the dog park take notice!

You know what happens when you hit 88!!

Please come to Toledo and pick me up ASAP. 

Frankly Speaking

It's getting nice outside.  My parents have been mowing the grass and cleaning up the yard.  I've been trying to help by doing my business wherever I can find the weeds; unfortunately we have alot of weeds and I can only do so much!

Anyways, the other day I was hanging outside with Bean's and we got to talking (yes we talk, just in a tone inaudible to humans - bet you look at your dog differently next time you see him knowing that, Dr Dollittle was no joke - turns our Eddie Murphy wasn't that crazy after all).

I digress - so Bean's was saying how he would love to have a drivers license so he could go motoring out on the country roads by our house.  Motoring is the act of finding an open road, putting the windows/top down and driving 'with enthusiasm' - being cautious to watch for deer and critters of course.  A proper motoring session isn't complete without a trip to UDF for a Cookie Dough Deep Freeze.

Here are some Do's and Don'ts for Successful motoring out there!

1.  Don't motor alone.  Grab a friend who appreciates the great outdoors and that wind swept look.  I recommend Bean's or Christie Brinkley from National Lampoon's Vacation.  Her hair is the same look as Bean's pre-haircut!  Fabio could do as well - we are open minded here at TDF&B.

Classic Movie!

2. Don't let an idiot in the drivers seat - or a child.  This video below is making headlines.  Someone with more money than brains let his kid drive his Ferrari F430.  Avoid people like this!

3.  Crank up the tunes!  Here is a good place to start - check out the leather pants and sunglasses - INDOORS.  I give you Born to be Wild - Steppenwolf.  Fitting for two wild guys like me and Bean's.  Tried to find these guys in a red Ferrari to keep the theme going - you can't win em' all!

Get out there an enjoy the spring weather!

Frankly Speaking

I'd like to spend my post today addressing barking.  Barking is a skill I practice whenever given the chance.  I will keep barking until I learn English - right now I'm retaking Latin 101 at University of Phoenix online.  One of the pre-reqs for dogs to take English is Latin.  Not sure why - the only person speaking Latin these days is my main man Pope Francis!

Anyway - my favorite reason to bark is to remind people I am here (albeit underfoot most of the time) or because my dad is too cheap to install a DOORBELL.  The meme below from my friends at Young House Love put up says it best!

Young House Love is the site where my mom gets lots of ideas about tchotchkes for our house then my dad has to go figure out to build / paint / re-purpose and re-use random found items.  It good fun to watch him create stuff from scratch!  

Bean's does this most mornings at 5am - for fun... I can't reach my own ears to cover them!!

Of course barking could mean a lot of other things as well - here they go in order from lest important to most important..

1. I am out of food.  Hey Human - When can I have more food?  Is there any food left?  Maybe I can have some of Bean's food.  I promise I won't eat more just let me smell it!  Just let me lick the inside of the bag.  You eat lunch why do I only get breakfast and dinner (I know it's the same food BTW).
2. I see a cat invading the back yard and you won't let me off the leash to go 'take a closer look'.  Honestly, I just want to say hi - maybe exchange Twitter usernames maybe go dig some holes.
3. I need to go out to do my business - also could be interpreted as "I know where you put your favorite shoes - it would be a shame to find a surprise next time you put them on as you leave for work in the morning!"
4. I swear you didn't feed me - I would know trust me.

So in summary - anytime you dog barks feed him them let him loose outside (away from busy road).  We would be so much happier to have unlimited food AND be able to 'greet' the neighbors cat!

Frankly Speaking

This week I got a letter from Dixie the Chow Chow.  Dixie writes "I've been spending alot of time watching Dubstep Dog and totally forgot to pay my taxes which were due yesterday.  I need your advice on how to handle this situation since its too late to get an extension and I don't really want to pay them anyway!"

First let me just say that if there was a beauty tax I would pay through the nose!

Anyway, I'm impressed that you were able to find a way to make a living - I have been trying to find respectable work since I got adopted out of the shelter almost two years ago!  So far I've been a Life Coach (for Beans), Personal Trainer (for Beans) and Hairdresser (Have you seen his hair?).

Back to your taxes - my best advice is to RUN or HIDE.  Or better yet just stay still!  Like a wise man once said - if you stay still they (the taxman) can't see you.  Recall one of the best movies in the history of Hollywood and the world - Jurassic Park.  Recall the scene where they say that the T-rex can't see you if you don't move.  There were SO wrong about that!

 Someone is grumpy! (T-rex from Jurassic Park).

As always - any of my advice is excellent (I would charge but then I would have to pay taxes) so best of luck.  If you need any role models take a look at TMZ - there are plenty of celebrities who don't pay taxes and look how famous they have become!

Frankly Speaking

When I checked my emails this week I was a bit confused.  I had an email titled "Stock Picks" addressed to the ETRADE Baby.  I was a little bit offended because I am actually 28 in people years - hardly a baby!  Well I quickly got over it because I find the ETRADE baby so darn funny.  You may have seen him - check out the latest commercial from the Superbowl.  BOOOM!

Anyway it must be fate or at least luck that I got this misdirected email - I'm sure you heard its Financial Literacy Month all April long so perfect timing - let's get down to business.   

Everyone knows the importance of putting money aside for later.  Best way to do this is by smart investing or putting money in a safe hiding place.  Given the uncertainty in the 'human' financial markets I have putting my money into Dachshund Currency.  You can find these on eBay for pennies on the dollar (actually 2 / $1.00 plus $0.70 shipping unless you big and get Priority mail for $5.95 - live life on the edge!).

I will be getting the call on the red phone to fund the next bailout!

Ok - lastly, once your convert your money you need a place to hide it.  I recommend digging a hole in the backyard and burying your loot (Preferably away from Bean's favorite comfort stop spot).  The best way to do it is with your paws/hands - after all I have webbed feet for a reason!  Check out this pooch digging a hole!

Happy digging!  Maybe you will find some treasure!

Frankly Speaking

I got alot of emails this week regarding why Dennis Rodman went to North Korea or who will take the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament.  Those are simple answers.  1. Because the Dictator of NK needed tattoo advice and Dennis Rodman doesn't have much else going on these days.  2.  Louisville Cardinal's will win it all because I think Cardinal's look tasty.

You need to know that of all of the current events this week one stands above all of the others.  Have you heard of Bacon Flavored Scope Mouthwash?  From the same people who raised my buddy Beans into the dapper doxie he is today; the brilliant people at P&G have finally come up with a product just for me (and I don't mean dogfood!).

As many of you know I have had weight challenges in the past - I used to eat my feelings - and everything else I could find!  One of my favorite foods in the world is bacon (my owners don't let me have it but it smells really good when they cook it!).  Imagine being able to get the same great bacon flavor but without the calories!  Take a look and see for yourself!  Bacon flavored Scope Mouthwash!

Ok - so I just got real depressed!  I just heard that this is an April's Fools joke.  Look's like its back to licking the kitchen floor for crumbs!  I've also been practicing my puppy dog eyes - who can say no to this face!

Oops thats not me here try this one instead!

Please send any Bacon you have directly to my PO Box: Hungry Dog, 11800 Fast Food Way, Cincinnati, OH 34567.  Don't forget all donations are tax deductible or something! 

Frankly Speaking

This week I got another question from my buddy Francis over in V Town aka Vatican City.  The Pope writes: "Dearest Furry little German friend, I really took your advice to heart the other week with regards to the party coat advice.  I was able to score a great cape which is actually trending on twitter @ #FrancisGotPromotedLookAtThatSweetCoat.  Anyways, I'm curious Frank what you gave up for lent?"

Dear Francis - This year was a really difficult Lenten season for me.  Last year I gave up squirrels and pork chops; which are easy to do on my strict dog food diet.  Anyway, I went out a limb this year and gave up my favorite thing of all - Electronic Dance Music (EDM for Short).

EDM is feel good music that usually consists of a solid beat that rises and falls and sometimes has vocals.  Think Night at the Roxbury music but not so cheesy.  There is usually a lot of choreographed lights to go with the music.  Here is me getting ready to go out to the club recently; note LED's for longer battery life.

Anyway, once you get to the club and feel the beat just go with it.  Just dance however you feel is best - here is a friend of mine demonstrating his way of doing it.

Lastly, its important to always get a picture of yourself at the Concert to remember the moment.  Bean's and I like to get on stage whenever possible and snap a pic with the DJ.  Here is a pic from the Tiesto Concert we went to in Columbus a few weeks ago to see Ben's favorite DJ.  Ok - so I fell off the wagon for one night and took in some tunes - oops!  But so worth it!

Thankfully I can start going to EDM concerts again soon - I'm looking forward catching up on all of the tunes from Ultra Music Festival in Miami that just wrapped up!